The Indian elite has once again proven that when it comes to choosing between saving lives and throwing lavish parties, there’s no contest. As the country grapples with heatwaves, floods, collapsing infrastructure, and an ever-widening wealth gap, its billionaires have shown the world what really matters to them: jaw-dropping, bank-breaking weddings.

Yes, I am talking about the recent nuptials of Anant Ambani, son of India’s richest man Mukesh Ambani costing an estimated Rs 5,000 crores. The event, surpassed in expense and grandeur, even iconic weddings like Princess Diana and Prince Charles’s at Rs 1,361 crore or that of Sheikha Hind Bint bin Maktoum and the ruler of Dubai Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum’s at Rs 1,144 crore.

So, while millions of Indians struggle to afford basic necessities, the Ambanis invited guests to witness a spectacle that could have fed a small nation for a year. The guest list at the Ambani wedding read like a Who’s Who of global celebrities, business tycoons, and political heavyweights. Nothing, it seems, says “I do” quite like having Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, and Tony Blair in attendance.

The wedding venue - Jio World Convention Center - with a capacity of 16000 was transformed into a fairy tale wonderland. Flowers were flown in from every corner of the globe, because apparently, India›s own flora wouldn›t suffice. The carbon footprint of this floral arrangement alone could have powered a small city for a month.

The Ambanis thoughtfully included a “rural Indian village” theme in one of their 51 wedding events – as if the thousands of Indian farmers, who have been staging protests over crop failures and mounting debts for the last several years, existed on some other planet. Obviously, for the Indian uber rich, capturing the essence of rural India requires millionaires dressed in designer “peasant” outfits, sipping champagne from crystal flutes. On the side lines, as if to mock India’s shirtless masses, there was also an underwear-clad Justin Bieber, paid a mere Rs. 83 crores, to perform at the wedding’s ‘sangeet’ ceremony.

The details only get worse. It seems the bride Radhika Merchant’s trousseau required its own security detail and insurance policy. The value of her jewellery alone could have funded disaster relief efforts for an entire state. The groom arrived at the venue on a golden chariot pulled by elephants – the medieval transportation method inspired no doubt by how India’s ruling party rode to power two decades ago on a DCM Toyota decked up as an ancient chariot.

The wedding feast was a gastronomic extravaganza. Michelin-starred chefs from around the world were flown in to create culinary masterpieces that most guests were too busy networking to actually eat. The leftovers could have fed the poor in all of India’s BIMARU states for a month.

And indicating the bankruptcy of the current political and social ethos in the country there were politicians across the ideological spectrum – led by the Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi himself – shamelessly queuing up for the golden dhoklas and silver theplas. To his immense credit Rahul Gandhi did not attend – a statement of hope perhaps that all is not yet lost in the country’s opposition space.

In a very touching nod to sustainability, guests were encouraged to offset their carbon emissions by planting a tree. What better way to say “I care about the environment” than flying halfway across the world in a private jet to plant a sapling.

As preparations were underway for this big fat wedding (or was it the big fatso’s wedding?) the rest of the nation was at the undertakers, having seen a rash of funerals. Not just the routine, daily deaths of pedestrians and motorcyclists crushed under luxury cars driven by modern India’s ‘princelings’ – children of rich politicians– there was also the gory hundred plus deaths of rural women killed in a stampede at the feet of ‘Bhole Baba’ in Hathras, Uttar Pradesh.

Undoubtedly, if it were not for the controversy over the incident this evil Baba too would have made it to the guest list of the Ambanis, who share so much with such spiritual entrepreneurs in their ability to make gullible citizens part with hard-earned money using mumbo-jumbo.

No, there is nothing particularly surprising or shocking about all that I have recounted so far. All this is perfectly normal in the ‘New India’ of Prime Minister Narendra Modi and his Bharatiya Janata Party, where most citizens struggle on empty stomachs, while a miniscule few walk with their heads held high, intoxicated by tall tales of reviving ancient cultural glory or avenging imagined insults or defeats from medieval history.

Of course, some might argue that such ostentatious displays of wealth are in poor taste given the stark realities faced by millions of Indians. To them, the cheerleaders of India’s foremost crony capitalist in the godi media would say: how dare you piss on this billion-dollar parade?

Don’t you know that these weddings are a vital part of India’s growth story? The Ambanis, after all, are simply doing their part to stimulate the economy. Think of all the jobs created: the army of wedding planners, security personnel, paparazzi, and therapists who’ll be counselling the bride’s father for years to come. It’s trickle-down economics at its finest!

And let’s not forget the invaluable soft power such events generate for India on the world stage. Who needs diplomacy when you can simply dazzle world leaders with shiny objects and free food? It’s a master class in international relations. Forget yoga and Bollywood; India’s true cultural export is now the art of the over-the-top wedding. As one fawning Indian pink press report put it the Ambanis have proven to be ‘pioneers of opulence in the global spotlight’.

After all, what would the common people do without these grand spectacles to distract them from their mundane lives of poverty, hunger, and lack of basic healthcare? These weddings provide hope, inspiration, and endless fodder for gossip columns and social media.

And let’s not forget the trickle-down effect of these weddings on the meme economy. The countless jokes, parodies, and satirical articles generated by these events provide much-needed laughter in these trying times. Laughter is the best medicine, especially when you can’t afford actual medicine.

Of course, some might claim that if the ultra-rich paid their fair share of taxes, there might be more funds available for public services and disaster relief. But why bother with such ‘urban naxal’ thoughts when you can create your own private paradise?

And have not the Ambanis, in a stunning display of generosity, announced that they would be donating 0.001% of the wedding cost to charity? That’s right, a whole lakh of rupees out of Rs 5000 crores will be going to help those in need. At this rate, India’s problems will be solved in no time... give or take a few millennia.

And what about the valuable lessons these weddings teach the common people? They serve as a shining example of what’s possible if you just work hard enough, inherit a multi-billion dollar company, exploit natural resources at whim, and have the right political connections. It’s the Indian dream, crystallized in a week-long, multi-million dollar extravaganza!

And as for the regular tragedies that visit the Indian population, they are in fact an ‘opportunity’ for some creative event planners to set up “disaster-themed” wedding events. Imagine the photo opportunities: the bride and groom posing heroically against a backdrop of simulated flood waters, or exchanging vows in a mock earthquake-ravaged village. It’s a great way to raise awareness while still keeping the focus where it belongs - on the happy couple and their bottomless bank accounts.

After all, in a world full of problems, isn’t it nice to know that some people have their priorities straight? Here’s to the billionaires of India, bravely carrying the torch of conspicuous consumption in a world that desperately needs more gold-plated elephants and fewer boring things like hospitals and schools.

And who knows? Maybe one day, if you work hard enough, sell your soul to the right corporate overlord, and are born into the right family, you too could have a wedding that makes the rest of the world question their life choices. Until then, keep dreaming, keep aspiring, and most importantly, keep watching those wedding videos on loop.

Unless of course, you have the guts and energy to do to these Indian versions of Louis XVI, what the French did to theirs a couple of centuries ago. Make their heads roll on the streets of Mumbai by subjecting them to the cutting edge of social revolution.

Satya Sagar is a journalist and public health worker who can be reached at sagarnama@gmail.com